Christmas past is Christmas present

We made it through another Christmas -- our 15th without Jeff.  Some would say we should be accustomed to it by now, and I suppose we are, but it doesn't change the subtle sadness I still feel, the "what ifs" I think about, and the memories we still hold.  I was always the shopper of most things Christmas, and Jeff would take charge of taking the kids to buy the tree, putting it up, adding the lights, and stringing the lights on the shrubs outside.  He'd sneak away to the store, sometimes alone and sometimes with the kids to do his shopping, and would always come back with a find he was excited to share.  It might have been a goofy ornament he personalized for one of the kids, a game, or something he found that screamed "this is from dad" when put under the tree.  Christmas Eve night after church and take-out chinese food, he'd scramble around to help me finish all I had to do before morning -- he'd lead the kids in decorating cookies, wrap the last of the gifts, set the living room for Christmas morning and then head to bed, knowing I'd be following at the wee hours of the morning,

encouraging me not to stay up too late.  In the morning he'd wait for the kids to wake us up, make them wait in their rooms while he made coffee, lit a fire, poured them oj, added his own touch to their and my stocking, and placed a few more things under the tree. I made the pop-n-fresh cinnamon rolls, and a cup of tea for me.  Then he'd have the kids pose for a picture on the stairs before letting them into the living room. This was our tradition.  It was our Christmas.
And for the most part, it still is.
Christmas traditions are made to be honored, in spite of changes that may happen, but only if they work for everyone.  Because the kids have always wanted to, we've kept the traditions they've known since birth.  We've added new ones, like setting up the "Dad tree," but all those other traditions remain.

 

As the "kids" age and introduce significant others into the family, I know it's only a matter of time before some of those traditions are let go.  One year, probably sooner than later, one of the kids will be with their spouse's family, or one of the spouses may be joining us.  Christmas as we've known it may be a thing of the past, but it also means more new traditions are in our future.  As time moves on, I'll always see Jeff there in his maroon bathrobe and his plaid pajama pants, both made by my own hands; his stocking that he's had since he was a boy hanging from the mantle; I'll hear his goofy laugh at the prospect of the kids opening up something he gave them, and I'll feel his hug as he makes the rounds in the room saying Merry Christmas and thank you to each of the kids and me.  Whether its 15 years or more, the kids and I will enjoy our Christmas, our traditions, and our memories that we made together.  And we'll be grateful to share another Christmas as a family.