18 years ...

18 years ... seems like a life time, and it seems like yesterday. This evening my thoughts went to Sept. 10, 2001. What a nice, normal night it was.  Jeff took Meaghan to cheerleading practice with his newspaper in hand and Julia in tow. Meg was 11 and Julia was 7. Julia played in the grass (probably with a sibling of another cheerleader) while Jeff read the paper. He told me that night that pages of his newspaper blew away and he found great humor in watching Julia chase them around the field. He always did find our kids' antics quite amusing. When he and the girls came home from cheerleading, he and Matthew, who was 13, hung a new basketball backboard that they found brand new in the Kmart dumpster. He was so proud of that find! They played HORSE in the new hoop, and Matthew beat him for the first time.

After a family dinner and while he was getting ready for his trip to California for a 3-day conference, he rambled off some information about bills, payments, blah blah blah like he always did before he left for a trip. I half listened, as I always did. We spent some time that night talking in bed about nothing and everything. The next morning, our world shattered. The life we had planned as a family disintegrated before our eyes on national tv. Suddenly our little family was part of American and World history.

What I wouldn't do to turn the calendar back, even for five minutes to tell him things I've wanted to say since then. Today a Globe reporter asked me what I would say to Jeff. Surprising myself, I unsuccessfully tried to choke back the urge to cry. "I'd tell him I love him and always will, and I miss him," I said to the reporter. "I'd also tell him how proud he would be of our kids, that they grew up to be exactly who we wanted them to be -- funny and kind."

The last 18 years the kids grew to be various versions of him, some of me, and a lot of the two of us combined. From 18 years of grief I grew to be more compassionate and understanding and better able to appreciate life's little moments. Jeff left me with many blessings --  our kids, love, family, humor and so much more. We've made great strides in 18 years. We've moved forward, not on. We've gotten through it, not over it. I've learned the heart has the capacity to love what was while loving what is. And I've learned time doesn't heal wounds; it gives your heart and your head the strength to accept and deal with the pain of loss.

Equally importantly, I've learned being kind makes the heart smile, fills the soul, and gives you purpose. Share kindness today in memory of all those you love who've passed. What better way is there to honor and remember them?

There's no Happy in Memorial Day

Last week in more than 80 degree heat, 100 volunteers helped Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund create its 12th Annual Garden of Flags on the Boston Common. In non-covid times, this would have involved 700 volunteers and taken 90 minutes, but because of state regulations, we had a smaller crew of first responders, veterans and health care workers. Over the course of 11 hours, the sloping ground from the base of the Sailors and Soldiers' Memorial was covered with 37,342 American Flags. Each of these flags represents a service member who died in service, or as a result of service, since the Revolutionary War. Each represents a family that has grieved their loss, and many who still do.

Memorial Day is a time to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice. Its meaning over the years has been lost to mattress and car sales, to bbqs and opening summer homes. Few acknowledge what Memorial Day stands for as they greet people with "Happy Memorial Day!" Town parades that honor the fallen draw sparse crowds. 

Meanwhile, families of  those who've served and died endure the once well-intended National Holiday with appreciation for the respect some offer, and with tolerance as they repeatedly hear Happy Memorial Day. 

One of our inspirations in creating this flag garden 12 years ago, in addition to wanting to honor our grieving military families, was to help remind people that Memorial Day has a solemn meaning. Its significance matters to Gold Star families and the families who've lost loved ones as a result of PTS-related suicides, training and other accidental deaths while serving, and disease caused by exposure while serving. Therefore, its meaning should matter to us.

We hope, and we think displays like the flag garden help drive home the true meaning of the day. I wrote the following blog a few years ago, but it bears repeating annually.

Memorial Day was designated in 1868 by General John Logan as a day to honor soldiers killed in battle. It was originally called Decoration Day, as 5000 volunteers decorated the graves of the 20,000 Union and Confederate soldiers buried at Arlington.  The day was designated for the "purpose of strewing with flowers, or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country," according to General Logan, the national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic.  

Simply put, it's a day to remember the fallen -- those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in service to our country. 

It wasn't intended to be a day for department store sales and sheer fun, rather a day to honor and remember, and a day to reflect on the heroism of those who served and died for our country. When and how did "Happy Memorial Day" become the accepted sentiment?  Would you ever say Happy Pearl Harbor Day, or Happy September 11, or Happy Anniversary on the anniversary of a loved-one's death?  It would seem insensitive and inappropriate to give such a greeting.  It's no different with Memorial Day.

No one discourages a celebration of the weekend that signifies the unofficial start to summer or gatherings of family and friends, but just take some time to acknowledge its meaning -- attend a parade that honors our fallen, take your children to a local memorial and explain why the names are engraved on that wall, let them help plant flags on a veteran's grave, create your own symbolic flag garden at your home or your neighborhood. Teach them to respect the sacrifice the service members made as they bravely faced the enemy in defense of our country -- an enemy that comes in many different forms.

Memorial Day is also often confused with Veterans Day, and many will use it as a time to say thank you to Veterans and active duty/reservists.  While it's always appropriate to show our appreciation to veterans and current military, Veterans Day, Nov. 11, is the day designated for thanking a vet.  Reserve Memorial Day for remembering the fallen -- "Memorial" does suggest a remembrance of someone no longer here.

The Flag Garden on the Boston Common is a beautiful and poignant reminder of the real meaning of Memorial Day. The idea came from a story told about the impact 3000 flags had on my daughter, a young college student away from home for her first time on the anniversary of 9/11, the day that took her father from her.  From there, the germ of an idea was born, and the first annual Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund garden of 20,000 flags quickly grew.

 Now more than 37,000 flags cascade down from the Sailors and Soldiers Memorial until Tuesday, the day after Memorial Day.  37,000.  It's a big number, and one that is hard to comprehend, until you see the flags.  They seem to wave in unison as the breeze catches them.   325 of them represent the sisters, brothers, sons and daughters, wives and husbands, partners, mothers and fathers, friends and other relatives who died in service or as a result of service since 9/11. 

 It's difficult to look at the flags without feeling a connection; without seeing a tear from a child's eye who is missing his or her daddy; without feeling the pride of a father as he talks about his hero daughter; without hearing the pain in the laughter of siblings remembering the last time they were together before the uniformed military personnel showed up at their door with news of their loved one's passing. Each flag stands for a life -- for a family in mourning.  

A discussion of how best to honor the fallen heroes of the Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund Families on Memorial Day became a Garden of Flags that has now become a part of Boston's tribute to Massachusetts heroes for the last 12 years. Thousands visit the garden each day, taking pictures, marveling at the bittersweet beauty, and shaking their head at the numbers.  Thousands stop for at least a moment to realize there is a real meaning behind Memorial Day -- to remember a life; to honor a family who feels the loss in their lives every day. 

So instead of saying Happy Memorial Day, encourage gratitude and respect for the sacrifices made. Honor and Remember the fallen on Memorial Day. And just be kind to others in their memory.