The Real Meaning of Memorial Day

 Last week in more than 80 degree heat, 100 volunteers helped Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund create its 12th Annual Garden of Flags on the Boston Common. In non-covid times, this would have involved 700 volunteers and taken 90 minutes, but because of state regulations, we had a smaller crew of first responders, veterans and health care workers. Over the course of 11 hours, the sloping ground from the base of the Sailors and Soldiers' Memorial was covered with 37,342 American Flags. Each of these flags represents a service member who died in service, or as a result of service, since the Revolutionary War. Each represents a family that has grieved their loss, and too many who still do.

Memorial Day is a time to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice. Its meaning over the years has been lost to mattress and car sales, to bbqs and opening summer homes. Few acknowledge what Memorial Day stands for as they greet people with "Happy Memorial Day!" Town parades that honor the fallen draw sparse crowds. 

Meanwhile, families of  those who've served and died endure the once well-intended National Holiday with appreciation for the respect some offer, and with tolerance as they repeatedly hear Happy Memorial Day. 

One of our inspirations in creating this flag garden 12 years ago, in addition to wanting to honor our grieving military families, was to help remind people that Memorial Day has a solemn meaning. Its significance matters to Gold Star families and the families who've lost loved ones as a result of PTS-related suicides, training and other accidental deaths while serving, and disease caused by exposure while serving. Therefore, its meaning should matter to us.

We hope, and we think displays like the flag garden help drive home the true meaning of the day. I wrote the following blog a few years ago, but it bears repeating annually.

Memorial Day was designated in 1868 by General John Logan as a day to honor soldiers killed in battle. It was originally called Decoration Day, as 5000 volunteers decorated the graves of the 20,000 Union and Confederate soldiers buried at Arlington.  The day was designated for the "purpose of strewing with flowers, or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country," according to General Logan, the national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic.  

Simply put, it's a day to remember the fallen -- those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in service to our country. 

It wasn't intended to be a day for department store sales and sheer fun, rather a day to honor and remember, and a day to reflect on the heroism of those who served and died for our country. When and how did "Happy Memorial Day" become the accepted sentiment?  Would you ever say Happy Pearl Harbor Day, or Happy September 11, or Happy Anniversary on the anniversary of a loved-one's death?  It would seem insensitive and inappropriate to give such a greeting.  It's no different with Memorial Day.

No one discourages a celebration of the weekend that signifies the unofficial start to summer or gatherings of family and friends, but just take some time to acknowledge its meaning -- attend a parade that honors our fallen, take your children to a local memorial and explain why the names are engraved on that wall, let them help plant flags on a veteran's grave, create your own symbolic flag garden at your home or your neighborhood. Teach them to respect the sacrifice the service members made as they bravely faced the enemy in defense of our country -- an enemy that comes in many different forms.

Memorial Day is also often confused with Veterans Day, and many will use it as a time to say thank you to Veterans and active duty/reservists.  While it's always appropriate to show our appreciation to veterans and current military, Veterans Day, Nov. 11, is the day designated for thanking a vet.  Reserve Memorial Day for remembering the fallen -- "Memorial" does suggest a remembrance of someone no longer here.

The Flag Garden on the Boston Common is a beautiful and poignant reminder of the real meaning of Memorial Day. The idea came from a story told about the impact 3000 flags had on my daughter, a young college student away from home for her first time on the anniversary of 9/11, the day that took her father from her.  From there, the germ of an idea was born, and the first annual Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund garden of 20,000 flags quickly grew.

 Now more than 37,000 flags cascade down from the Sailors and Soldiers Memorial until Tuesday, the day after Memorial Day.  37,000.  It's a big number, and one that is hard to comprehend, until you see the flags.  They seem to wave in unison as the breeze catches them.   325 of them represent the sisters, brothers, sons and daughters, wives and husbands, partners, mothers and fathers, friends and other relatives who died in service or as a result of service since 9/11. 

 It's difficult to look at the flags without feeling a connection; without seeing a tear from a child's eye who is missing his or her daddy; without feeling the pride of a father as he talks about his hero daughter; without hearing the pain in the laughter of siblings remembering the last time they were together before the uniformed military personnel showed up at their door with news of their loved one's passing. Each flag stands for a life -- for a family in mourning.  

A discussion of how best to honor the fallen heroes of the Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund Families on Memorial Day became a Garden of Flags that has now become a part of Boston's tribute to Massachusetts heroes for the last 12 years. Thousands visit the garden each day, taking pictures, marveling at the bittersweet beauty, and shaking their head at the numbers.  Thousands stop for at least a moment to realize there is a real meaning behind Memorial Day -- to remember a life; to honor a family who feels the loss in their lives every day. 

So instead of saying Happy Memorial Day, encourage gratitude and respect for the sacrifices made. Honor and Remember the fallen on Memorial Day. And just be kind to others in their memory.

Hope

This past year, 2020, was a tough one. Most of us were more than ready to bid farewell to the year that challenged us in so many ways. The year of nasty politics, covid-19, loss, financial stress, racism, and many unprecedented natural events tested our faith, compassion, tolerance, strength, resilience, and consideration for others. 

The year that separated us from those we love also took away the livelihoods of too many, cancelled our travel plans, stole our normalcy, halted any special events and gatherings, and most tragically, took the lives of more than 300,000 Americans. Combined with 3 weeks into January 2021, we're sadly already over 400,000 deaths.

But there were bright spots, too, for some of us. I accompanied my sister to Antarctica, fulfilling a long-time dream she had of seeing penguins in their natural habitat. Something I never thought I wanted to do ended up being the trip of a lifetime, giving me memories to last as long as my mind is intact. My son and his wife gave me a grandson, Brody, who is the new love of my life. And my girls both got engaged to young men who have proven how much they love my daughters and how well they fit into our family. As my mom once told me about Jeff, I love my children's significant others as if they were my own. 

Although we couldn't celebrate the outgoing 2020 and welcome in 2021 with our friends and family as we normally would have, we were all excited for a fresh start. No more memes comparing 2020 to our worst nightmares, the worst imaginable food, or a pile of garbage. The New Year, we had hoped, would show promise for better times. There was no guarantee, but the hope was there, and it was strong.  

Now we're into the third week of 2021 and the memes are reminding us it didn't start as we so desperately wanted. One of the most popular memes says our trial period for 2021 is up and we want our money back. It has begun worse than last year ended, with Covid numbers up higher than ever. Politics took a turn so vile with a president-inspired violent attack on the US Capitol resulting in five deaths that it's hard to believe this is America. Washington D.C., usually abuzz with excitement in anticipation of an inauguration is looking more like a fortress with miles of barricades topped with barbed wire blocking access to a vast area surrounding the Capitol. Nearly 25,000 armed soldiers replace the tourists and DC residents usually mulling around to enjoy the historic event. State Capitols around the country are also bracing for possible attacks.

But with the arrival of President-elect Biden and Vice-President-elect Harris, it feels like a calm has come over us and America is experiencing a rebirth. We're turning a page on four years of negative vitriol, of bullying and lies, of pitting people against each other, of encouraging hate for the media, of defiling our democracy, and of ignoring facts, truth and science. And we're making history, with the first woman becoming vice-president --  a woman of color and Asian decent.

I have a lot of friends, and even some family, who will disagree wholeheartedly with my optimism for the future under the new administration. But being guided by positivity, compassion, decency, kindness and experience, I think the division that has dominated our country the last 4 years will eventually subside.  I pray to God we will once again find common ground to help heal America, both physically from the virus, and emotionally, as we remember we all want the same thing in the end -- peace, happiness, prosperity, understanding, love, and unity. This begins with us. Let's remember a difference of opinions is what makes us unique. Let's put aside the hatred. Let's stop the negativity on social media and use it for its purpose -- to keep in touch, share information and inform. Let's become the nation our constitution intended us to be -- One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.