Memorial Day is to honor and remember

I wrote this blog several years ago, but I think it bears reposting each year around this time. 

How many times this weekend did you hear, or say, Happy Memorial Day? 

Memorial Day was designated in 1868 by General John Logan as a day to honor soldiers killed in battle. It was originally called Decoration Day, as 5000 volunteers decorated the graves of the 20,000 Union and Confederate soldiers buried at Arlington.  The day was meant for the "purpose of strewing with flowers, or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country," according to General Logan, the national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic.  

Simply put, it's a day to remember the fallen -- those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in service to our country. 

It wasn't intended to be a happy day, rather a day to honor and remember, and a day to reflect on the heroism of those who served and died for our country. When and how did "Happy Memorial Day" become the accepted sentiment? It is spoken by many throughout Memorial Day weekend, and when you stop to think, it makes no sense whatsoever. Would you ever say Happy Pearl Harbor Day, or Happy September 11, or Happy Anniversary on the anniversary of a loved-one's death?  It would seem insensitive and inappropriate to give such a greeting.  It's no different with Memorial Day.

The meaning of Memorial Day has been lost in car sales, barbeques, and Cape house openings. No one discourages a celebration of the weekend that also signifies the unofficial start to summer, but just take some time to acknowledge its meaning -- attend a parade that honors our fallen, take your children to a local memorial and explain why the names are engraved on that wall, let them help plant flags on a veteran's grave. Teach them to respect the sacrifice the service members made as they bravely faced the enemy in defense of our country.

Memorial Day is also often confused with Veterans Day, and many will use it as a time to say thank you to Veterans and active duty/reservists. Veterans Day, Nov. 11, is the day designated for thanking a vet.  Reserve Memorial Day for remembering the fallen -- "Memorial" does suggest a remembrance of someone no longer here.

The Flag Garden on the Boston Common is a beautiful and poignant reminder of the real meaning of Memorial Day. The idea came from a story told about the impact 3000 flags had on my daughter, a young college student away from home for her first time on the anniversary of 9/11, the day that took her father from her.  From there, the germ of an idea was born, and the first annual Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund garden of 20,000 flags (dating back to the Civil War) quickly grew.

 Now more than 37,000 flags cascade down from the Sailors and Soldiers Memorial, each flag representing a Massachusetts service member who died in service to our country or as a result of service since the Revolutionary War.  37,369 this year.  It's a big number, and one that is hard to comprehend, even as you gaze out on the vast garden of flags.  They seem to wave in unison as the breeze catches them.   Placed in the front of the garden by family members and fellow military, 397 of them represent the sisters, brothers, sons and daughters, wives and husbands, partners, mothers and fathers, friends and other relatives who died in service or as a result of service since 9/11. They include those who died from the invisible wounds of war and those who died in training accidents.

 It's difficult to look at the flags without feeling a connection; without seeing a tear from a child's eye who is missing his or her daddy; without feeling the pride of a father as he talks about his hero daughter; without hearing the pain in the laughter of siblings remembering the last time they were together before the uniformed

military personnel showed up at their door with news of their loved one's passing. Each flag stands for a life -- for a family in mourning.  

A discussion of how best to honor the fallen heroes of the Massachusetts Military Heroes Fund Families on Memorial Day became a Garden of Flags that has now become a part of Boston's tribute to Massachusetts heroes for the last 14 years. Thousands visit the garden each day, taking pictures, marveling at the bittersweet beauty, and shaking their heads at the numbers.  Thousands stop for at least a moment to realize there is a real meaning behind memorial Day -- to remember a life; to honor a family who feels the loss in their lives every day. 

So instead of saying Happy Memorial Day, encourage gratitude and respect for the sacrifices made. Honor and Remember the fallen on Memorial Day.  

Exploring our roots

At almost 63 years old, I'm very aware of how fortunate I am to have had my mom for 62 years. But this is my first mothers' day without her since she died on October 6, 2022, on my wedding anniversary, just a month shy of turning 101, and I miss her. 

Dementia took her from us the last 5+ years, causing her to not remember that she was mom to 12 children, and not recognizing us when she saw us. Her reaction was always the same when we told her she had 12 kids -- she'd look surprised, laugh, and say "I did? That's a lot of kids!" 

But even with her mind gone, we still had her.  Although phone calls were difficult and without substance because of the dementia, I'd call her and tell her about my children and their children, knowing it would make little sense to her. But when my kids got engaged, then married and had their children, I always wanted to call her first with the wonderful news. She'd always say how she couldn't believe I had adult children who have children of their own. If she did remember me at all, she remembered me as her 10-year-old little girl and youngest child. She'd tell me she wished she could get on a bus or a plane and visit, and I told her I wished that, too. Our phone calls always ended with "I love you." I knew she meant it, even though as far as she knew, she was saying it to a stranger. Or maybe not. Maybe deep within her mind, she knew more than her mind could relay in words.

This Mothers' Day is the first time I haven't bought flowers or candy or perused the aisles of Macy's looking for just the right thing for her -- something that would make her smile and feel extra loved. It's the first time I haven't called her for a brief conversation and to say "I love you, mom," and to hear it back.  Instead I spent the day with 6 of my 11 siblings in the country where my mom was born and raised. We traveled to Barbados to pay tribute to our mom. The morning started at breakfast with a mimosa toast to Mom, and a little gift of "momisms" I presented to my siblings -- a lace hankie, jordan almonds, Whitman Sampler candy, English Breakfast tea and Walkers shortbread cookies .  After breakfast we met with 2 of her Barbadian (Bajan) cousins, George (and his wife Susan) and his older sister Frances, who I've been in touch with over the years and met twice in the last 40 years. Frances and  George's grandmother and our grandmother were sisters, making us 2nd cousins (or first cousins, once removed). We exchanged information about my mom's late brother, father and mother, and extended family, and George and Frances confirmed some of the stories our mom often told of her upbringing in Barbados on a sugar plantation. I found it heartwarming to hear that Frances noticed a resemblance in us to our mom's extended family. 

This week we will take a private tour of Barbados, visiting some of the places that played a role in our mom's history. We'll visit the cemetery where our grandmother and 2 of her sisters are buried; we'll go to the grounds of our mom's school, then called Codrington School for Girls, and now Codrington School, International School of Barbados (where our cousin's grandaughter goes to school), St. John's Church, and Wilson Hill, where our mom's house was. We'll also visit the Crane Hotel where our mom met our dad at a USO Dance in 1943 and where he asked her to marry him 10 minutes after meeting her. From the balcony of the Crane Hotel that overlooks Barbados' East Coast of the Caribbean, we'll toss flowers into the sea in tribute to our mom. She loved Bougainvillea, a beautiful vine that bears stunning purple flowers and is native to Barbados. One Mothers' Day in Yuma, where we grew up, we bought her a vine that my father planted in the backyard outside my bedroom window. I plan to make a small wreath of Bougainvillea flowers and toss that off the balcony.  

This is my 3rd trip to Barbados and while the last 2 were meaningful and wonderful, this is perhaps the most noteworthy trip I've ever taken. I've traced my mom's history here before, once 38 years ago with Jeff on our first anniversary, and then just 5 years ago with my kids, showing them their roots. But this time is different -- with my siblings we are exploring our history, and giving our mom the send-off that she wanted. Throughout the day we thought about how much our mom would've loved what we're doing. We know she's with us, as evidenced by the penny my sister found on the sidewalk and the near-perfect heart-shaped coral I found on the beach. 

When we leave here, I think we'll all feel the Bajan in us, and a piece of us will stay in Barbados. Thanks for guiding us to your beautiful homeland, Mom. Rest easy, and know we'll continue to love you always. Happy Mothers' Day.